rachel, car, sunset

You may very well be the cure.

I've been in love with him for over two years now. Any time his profile declares he has a new girlfriend I get this pang in my stomach, I feel sick, jealous, depressed.
Today, I didn't. There was no feeling at all.
I blame this on you. Thank you, who would've known you'd be exactly what I'd need.
  • Current Music
    Mixtape - Jimmy Eat World
rachel, car, sunset

bring livejournal back, one post at a time!

Today is Saturday, for the last few weeks this has meant karaoke with the boyfriend, but tonight I'm babysitting my sick nephew, Jayden. I don't mind, I love him very much but it's made me realize how much I really do miss Tim.
We've been together for a little over a month now but I can already feel myself falling. I don't know how I feel about this. Things are good between us, we've had no fights, no relationship breakers yet.
The thing is, I'm preparing to settle down, I wanna get married and have children in only a few years, which means i have to be in a serious relationship...soon. haha
He says he's fine with that, I told him that exact statement and he said that's okay.

I know he really does like me though, He can be clingy, but in a good way. The way most guys aren't. Which is nice.
I dunno, I'm just ranting, this will probably be irrelavent in a few months.
  • Current Music
    Evidence - Marilyn Manson
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rachel, car, sunset

what is love?

is love a constant emotion? or does it come in levels as you go throughout your life.
can love fade like a slowly dimming lightbulb.
can you just replace the bulb by seeing that person you once love and then everything will be restored to proper order.
or once it fades is it gone forever?

do you only truely love once? how do you define love, obviously it exists, it's very prevelent on our earth, but how do you know when you've found it? is it when you can say to that person 'I love you', because those are the only words to describe how you feel, if they even do. because you've lusted for some, you've crushed on many, and this in no way could even begin to compare. is it when that person annoys you more then anyone, but you know you need them, they are the provider of your smile and the holder of your world.
they are everything.

but even that doesn't define "love" love is an emotion, not a thought, which is exactly why you can't define it, it's funny because so many people try to define the word love, yet no other emotion is defined, hate, well that's when you don't like someone, but it's more isn't it. anger, jealousy, sadness, happiness.

Emotions don't need an explanation. they just are.

so back to my original question, can you ever really truely love someone the way you loved that first person. the first one who held all your hopes and dreams, and somehow managed to run away with them, whether it was your fault, theirs or someone else's, can you ever find a love like that? they were the first person you gave your all to. maybe you had said that you loved other people, but you knew this was the first time you really meant it. nothing compares to that! the first time you say you love someone, and mean it, with all your heart and mind and everything you've got.

and when do you give up on that first love? can you ever give up on love, that's like giving up on yourself, since you were such a large part of it.
yes love does depend on you. Not so much that you "have to love yourself before he can love you" no just that you have to allow yourself to love. you can't hold back. As said in The Perks of Being a Wallflower (by Stephen Chbosky) "we only except the love we think we deserve"

the weird thing about love is that if you think about it too much it disappers, vanishes in a puff of smoke.
which is bad knews for those of us who tend to overanalyze situations and feelings.

so does love fade or does it just get burried by a million other emotions that get piled on top, creating a numbness to feeling?
some things we are not meant to know the answers to.
  • Current Mood
    worried worried
rachel, car, sunset

why Jeff is special..in a non retarded way.

excerpt from the letter I wrote to you:
I just don't think I can love anyone else, it hurts too much to think about, you were beautiful inside and out, you inspired, challenged and accepted me, you made me question everything I was and everything I wanted to be, I'll never find anyone like you. a lot of people have been telling me that I can do so much better then you and I deserve better, but i don't, I don't think I even deserve you, I don't know why you stuck with me as long as you did, I'll never know. all I know is that i don't know anything anymore. my whole world has been turned upside down.
I hope this won't make you feel like shit, I just wanted to let you know how wonderful you really are. and I dont' care what it takes. I will be with you again. I can't live knowing any different.....
I still love you. I could never forget you. I can't stop thinking about you, you're in my heart, in my mind, in my dreams and in my prayers. I love you.

and Jeff I wish I could say that I hate you, but no matter what you do, no matter what you say, there's always a part of me that will be willing to let you inside.
you're the only person who doesn' t make me feel invisible. you make me feel like I belong on this earth. no one else does that.

and since you left, I have felt more alone then ever.
so please don't ever say that you aren't anything special.
cause like I said, you have one thing no one else does.
and no one else ever will.
cause you have all of it.

my heart.

corny. but i don't care. it's the truth.

it's not like you're the only thing that matters, it's not like my whole world was riding on your shoulders, and to tell you the truth, that was a lie, my whole world went up in smoke the day you said goodbye.
  • Current Mood
    sick sick
rachel, car, sunset

I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

so this is the sad ending to a tragic love story, kinda Romeo and Juliet-esque, I think I'm officially giving up on you. I'm sorry, I don't wanna have to do this. I just can't let myself pine over you when I don't even know if you are alive.
you were my bestfriend and my first love, I don't know what I'm gonna do without you, prolly what I've been doing lately. sleeping a lot. it's all I can do to not think about you. cause when I do I feel sick to my stomach. and then I just wanna cry. but I've done that too much and I have run out of tears.
God I love you. I really really do. I've tried to say otherwise to myself, that I didn't love you, that it was puppy love or that it was just a crush but it just doesn't sound right, you drove me up a wall but I still needed you.I couldn't live without you. you got under my skin like no one else. I couldn't stand you sometimes, you tried to make me hate you, and it didn't take much but I still kept coming running back to you.

now I'm starting to wonder if you knew you weren't going to talk to me after you left. that's why you tried to make me hate you, so when you dissapeared it wouldn't make any difference to me, but either way it would've. cause it's tearing me apart. you're not dead I know that, I have a connection with you and that connection is still very much alive so you must be too.

remember back in November when I told you that if they took you away you'd have my heart. I still meant it now and I know it's true cause I can't feel a thing, I can't feel a fucking thing. not even the pain I should. when I think about you nothing happens but sometimes I cry. I don't even feel sad and then when the tears come out I'm all where the hell did these come from, I didn't even see them coming.

and now I'm starting to lose friends again, and you know what, I don't give a shit. I don't care about losing anyone anymore, which sounds bad but true. friends. family. I can't feel anything so it wouldn't matter anymore anyway. and all I want is to be held in your arms again. all I want is to go back in time, and told them, then maybe things would be different, maybe, you'd still be here and I'd be able to hang out with you at my house and we could cuddle on the couch and watch romantic comedies and just bask in each other's love.

God I just wanna feel. even if it's pain. then I'd at least feel real.
you changed everything.

you changed all the rules. I had never fallen this hard for somone, especially someone I dated. and yes I was attracted to you, highly highly attracted to you, I looked at you and all I wanted to say was how much I loved you. but it was more then that, you frustrated me, and you challenged me and you made me question who I was. no one else had ever managed to do that.
now I don't even know who I am anymore let alone what I wanna do with my life. I only knew one thing, I wanted to spend it with you, and now that you're gone....what do I do now? like..where the hell do I go from here? it's not even fair! it's not fucking fair!

Jeffy can I keep you forever?
and you said yes. so where the hell are you?
you're mine? are you?

or are you Darcey's? or Amanda's? cause you love them more remember?! you told me that before you left.
and then you called and said you still loved me and that you'd never forget me but that you wouldn't talk to me?!
you would never forget me? so you did know you weren't gonna talk to me anymore. why? why? fucking tell me why!
what did I do that made you wanna run away? I know things were shitty, but they were getting better remember?
you were starting to have a life to live for. you had me.
but that wasn't enough.

you knew that love wasn't enough?
I wish it had been. I wish things could've been different.

but now I'm giving up.
it's been too long. you didn't wanna get in contact with anyone after you left. you would've by now if you did.
i know.

I love you and I always will. it's gonna take me forever to get over you.

I hope you're happy.

  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed
rachel, car, sunset

quit searching for prince charming, I already have him.

the used lover68 (8:12:07 PM): idk. he just alternates between being the sweetest guy in the world
the used lover68 (8:12:10 PM): and the biggest asshole
the used lover68 (8:12:19 PM): that's what that whole rant was about
the used lover68 (8:12:28 PM): how we are both pretty damn two sided
the used lover68 (8:13:08 PM): cause we love each other, so we are the sweetest we can be with each other and we try to show our best sides, but at the same time, we are both pretty damn horrible people, and sometimes that side comes out too
"Ashley Marie" (8:14:00 PM): yeah
the used lover68 (8:14:06 PM): :]
the used lover68 (8:14:15 PM): thanks for listening to me rant and figure this all out
the used lover68 (8:14:20 PM): sometimes it's hard to do it all in your head
  • Current Mood
    awake awake
rachel, car, sunset

the epidemic

I've got a jealousy complex,
that leaves me realing,
it gets so complicated sometimes.
and it's completely ironic,
how I expect you to be perfect,
and how you try so hard,
but fail so miserably,
that you feel so bad,
that you have to test me,
and let me know that I failed too,
but it's just like me to get excited,
over finding your shoe prints in the dirt,
right next to my own.
and then get angry,
because you aren't like every guy,
sex isn't your first priority,
and you know that drives me crazy,
I guess that's cause I'm not like every girl,
but you get hyped up on energy drinks
having 4 in one hour,
just to give me the colorful tabs,
and did it make you happy to see them,
collectively on my necklace,
well honestly, that night I would've given anything,
just to be able to look into your eyes,
and I still don't understand why you had to lie to me,
about something you had no control over,
do you know it drives me crazy,
that you just might be closer to my friends,
then I am,
that she might love you,
just as much as I do,
cause that scares me a little bit,
cause I know you love her too,
and so do i,
so we all love each other,
and we were all happy,
and then you left,
so that you could be happy,
and I could be happy,
and she could be freed,
but now we are all miserable and chained to each other,
the bonds we made over that one week spent with each other,
yeah those are the bonds that bind.
things like finding your cigarettes at her house,
or realizing your shirt doesn't smell like you anymore,
but like my room,
or that you still have the sweatshirt I made freshmen year,
things that are leaving me sick to my stomach,
even though they shouldn't
and wondering if you are thinking of me,
right now.
at 5 minutes to 3 am,
you should be sleeping, but I'm betting you're not,
are there things you regret saying to me,
when you called me ignored me and called me a bitch,
and I tried to walk away,
because I didn't want you to see me cry,
but you called me back,
and I didn't wanna leave anymore,
because you told me it was all a test.
no no. you meant it,
I know you did, and that's okay.
but now my heart is shivering,
it needs your voice to wrap around it,
your words to secure it,
arms to endure it,
in every dream that I have you are there,
and I get to ask you why,
and you never have an answer,
and you can't even see me,
and I'll scream,
and you'll hear me,
and you don't answer,
and it's things like this that are making me shake tonight,
bringing on the tremors,
making it hard to breathe,
oh yeah, cause this is exactly what I need.
yes yes you.
you leave me realing,
beacause I have a jealousy complex,
that you take advantage of,
I know you're not perfect,
cause perfection was never real,
just something I wanted to believe in,
back the first time I told you I loved you,
did you know that was a lie?
that I didn't mean it,
until at least 20 times later,
after all the galmour had faded,
after I knew this was no fairy tale,
and you couldn't save me,
from what I had become,
and I knew that it all landed on me,
that is when I came to love you,
it came over me,
like a fever,
creeping up on my in volumes,
until I couldn't deny it any more,
and it left me shivering and sweating,
scratching for something to come and rescue me,
cause you couldn't,
you were the sickness, you caused this,
and you couldn't be the cure too,
the fever had spread to everyone around me,
slowly turning into a plague,
an epidemic,
and everyone felt it's wrath,
everyone knew.
everyone knew.
no I didn't mean it the first time I said It.
I wanted to.
and now I do.
and wish I didn't
oh boy, oh boy,
you've got a strong hold.
please don't let go.
I'm addicted to the epidemic that took ahold,
now it's like a drug, you were the dealer,
giving me more love then I knew what to do with,
and then you pulled away, quickly, leaving me to go through withdrawls.
then you crawled back into my lap, purring,
like a kitten,
lost, scared,
just happy to be back,
and here I was again,
just as addicted as before,
only now, the fix cames in moderation,
and i could control it, but I didn't,
you had to.
and you see, my dealer is gone,
but I don't wanna find a new one,
how could i possibly trust someone else,
with a drug so potent,
so precious,
no one else could give it to me the same way.
and that's why I need you.
and that's why when you shared this drug with anyone else,
it sent me crawling,
back into the dark,
dark world of jealousy,
they say jealousy is Green,
well who the hell decided that.
it's black,
it's as dark as it gets,
so when you come back out,
the light is warm,
it engulfs you.
and that's what you did to me.
"Mr. Duplicity"
you brought me between overdose and withdrawl.
deafening purrs and ferocious claws,
blinding light and drowning in darkness,
Hate and Love
Happy and Sad?
was i really ever either of those.
who knows.
I sure as hell don't
I'm dizzy.
yes yes I'm dizzy,
I think I might fall out of this chair soon.
I really think I should crawl into bed and comatose for a while,
do you remember the nights you were supposed to join me there,
but never did,
cause I was too scared.
that's me tonight,
I want you here,
but I'm terrified, horrified to admit it.
to admit exactly what you mean to me.
which is everything by the way.
you went from being an annoyance to a distraction to my best friend to my first love and we bring it back and do it all over again.
and no matter what happens,
one thing rings true,
no matter how fucking corny this sounds,
oh and I know it does.
I love you.
and that's one thing that doesn't have 2 sides to it.
unlike me and you.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
rachel, car, sunset

the cold weather is the last thing giving me

goose bumps

your voice, your eyes, your arms, your touch
I love it all

it might not be cold but baby I've got chills.
it might be Christmas eve,
but I've already got what I've want.

oh baby. oh baby.
oh tidings of comfort and joy

you're the star I'll follow to my salvation
opps was that blasphemy.
I didn't mean it that way.
you're no savior baby.
but you bring my soul alive

Merry Christmas baby, it's less then 7 and half hours away.

you know it's almost here, Christmas day!
  • Current Mood
    excited excited
shot your goldfish

I second that emotion

I'm feeling tired, dejected, and out of place.

my whole world is shifting under my feet, I guess it has been for a while I just didn't take any notice to it until today.
I've lost friends. gained friends. built and destroyed bonds.
and grown up in a lot of ways.

I have a year and a half to convince myself that I'll be okay on my own.

and I am scared out of mind.

the world is tilting. my life is shifting. and I am trying desperately hard to stay on my feet.
someone please help me.

<i>as the world tilts milk is spilt but I'm not gonna cry, no use fighting gravity so I'm not gonna try.</i>
  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted
rachel, car, sunset

discard all feelings

ya know...they say. that if you tell yourself something enough. it'll be true. like..if you tell yourself your mom is dead everyday for a year, then suddenly you will not see her anymore, she could be standing right in front of you and you will not see her, the brain believes what it wants to believe and sees what it wants to see. you just have to be convincing.

I think this is ironic, you could probably get over people a lot faster if you thought about things that way. just told yourself everyday that you don't like them.
eventually you won't.

or just tell yourself feelings don't exist, it's just chemical reactions, then you won't feel anything ever again.
true numbness.

sorry I'm just sick of hearing about a certain person from a certain someone. idk. it's getting annoying. :/

  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed